Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
from now on my penis is your penis
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
