Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
