god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
