she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
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I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.