Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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