When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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