It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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