No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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