I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
