I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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