So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
