After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
