my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
