Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We are two peas in an std pod
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
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It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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