My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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