Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
