I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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