you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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