3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor