I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
