I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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