Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
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But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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