Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Still dying that you shit outside
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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