Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
