remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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