I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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