I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
