no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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