Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
