There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
