I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Please don't give away my fajitas
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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