saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
