if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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