how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
