Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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