Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
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All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
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Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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