If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
