So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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