i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
