somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
