I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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