You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
