history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
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if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
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Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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