I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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