I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
