3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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