We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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