i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
