Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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