A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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