Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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