The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
