I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
